|very very long story.
||[Dec. 21st, 2008|01:44 am]
|||||iris- goo goo dolls||]|
i wish i weren't.
Monday to wednesday of last week i had finals.
Monday was philosophy, i got to listen to presentations. Sean texted me in the middle because we needed to talk when i got home. My final finished at 3:50 and i had an appointment at 4. Rush rush. i have a psych appt on the 13th of January to be put on anti-anxiety meds and anti-depressants. Came home around 5:30 and somehow sean knew where I'd gone. that kid must be psychic, cause i only told lindsay and she didn't say a word to anyone. We talked for a while, and he tried to make me promise i would never play with Xanax, which pissed me off, cause he's not my father. Tracee and wes came in while i was talking with sean and it was like sensory overload. I broke and had to leave and sit in my room alone for a while. Lindsay came and hung later that night, and sean came to talk. He told me sweet things and explained shit and he didn't care if lindsay heard him say them. I had been mad at him, just frustrated with how things were happening and that he was being so freaking overprotective but he explained everything. I guess he was afraid i was in too deep, everyone told him i'd gone off the edge. He didn't know it was a lie. I just wanted to feel okay. No one was supposed to see me like that, all fucked up and out of it... He said that it scared him, because of all the people he knows, he cares about me more than pretty much everyone else and he thought we were close enough that if i felt so horrible i would come to him before i made that decision. He wouldn't be able to live with himself.
He told me he loved me, and i couldn't say it back. I wanted to scream at him and say "Don't say things you don't really mean. I don't like lies. i don't like liars. If you don't mean it don't say it." Then he told me, "those aren't empty words." and i broke down, so he took me and held me and said that he was so proud of me for finally going to see the counselors. For making the psych appointment and getting myself the help i really need. he wishes i'd let him treat me hollistically, but i can't right now, so instead he's just going to support me emotionally. It was a really important event, i guess, in my life. Then he told me to listen to "A little help from my friends," by the Beatles and made me laugh and promise to help him study for psych the next night.
Tuesday i had two finals and hung out with danielle. Texted sean all day. came home around 8 and everyone was all fucked up. I made sean, Zach and wes pancakes and sean recited his psych stuff too me while almost burning himself leaning against the griddle numerous times. He disppeared for a while, then came back and we talked abit then he went to bed around midnight. Lindsay and i stayed up talking for a while.
Wednesday i had my french final, where i was hit on by a 10 year old. Came home and hung out with LIndsay until she had to leave, then hung with Tania, Ed, and ALicia for a while. We went to Kleiner and Meijer. Came home and got fucked up... a little too mcuh vodka. Too many people came in my room and i spazzed and had to leave. i tried wrapping presents, but that ended badly and sean offered to help me cause they looked so bad, but he had to go somewhere with zach and wes. I went and hung in Ali's room, cause i wanted to be alone and talk and tell her stuff cause we hadn'ttalked in a while cause she's been so busy. Anyway, i started to feel sick and i was lying there trying not to throw up when sean came back. I guess he'd gone to my room like, 4 times and couldn't find me, so he went looking in everyone else's rooms until Esha told him i was with Ali. So, he came in and i don't remember what we talked about. I guess i told him i felt like vomiting, so he told me i should get up, and he helped me off of Ali's bed and i threw up in her bathroom... yeah. i felt better after though. I guess I sent peoplea bunch of messages through Esha. I made her go to sean that i love him, and i told ed that he was a punk bitch and i would kick his ass. Ed came in and i sent him to promise sean that i'd never fuck with Xanax and some other stuff, but sean had gone to bed because he still had another final. I eventually went to my room and to sleep around 4 i guess.
Thursday i heard many interesting stories and woke up at 1 PM. I fucked around all day and hung with Allen for a while. Sean came home and we hung out for a while. Esha left, Alicia left, Allie left, Ali left, a lot of people left. Sean came home and we hung out and drank. Went to Taco Bell. Danielle called and wanted to hang out. I had to go get her, but was in no position to drive. Sean wouldn't let me, and he couldn't. So TRACEE! drove me in viktor to go get danielle. I ran down the hall skipping when she said yes, and sean came out of his room to make sure i wasn't going to drive. Then he went and took a shower because he was all sticky from sprite being poured on him. Danielle and i came back and had a small ordeal; had some fun. Sean and Zach had too much fun and sean passed out. I ate his stuffing and then drove danielle home. i'm pretty sure i came home and almost passed out in Zach doorway while watching 21.
Friday tracee left and so did Ed and i was sad. Hung out with Sean all day. he texted me at nine in the morning to say he'd gotten a b on his psych exam and to ask if i wanted to smoke and get mickey d's. we were two minutes late in the drive-thru, so we went to the store and bought stuff for our own. Made a huge breakfast then hung out in my room cause zach was being a jerk. Sean took a na on the futon and i took a shower. Talked and hung out and stuff then Went to the mall with Danielle. Came back and made Fajita's with B and Tania and Koife. Sean came and said goodbye; he went to his brother's for the weekend. We watched this indian movie and batman and i wrapped gifts. Wes came in and was a total dickwad and i passed out while everyone was still in my room.
Saturday danielle went home and i pretty much chilled all day. went to Meijer around 9 at night. Dana was over and we talked before i left. Came back and a bit later zach and wes showed up and i told wes he had been an ass. We went outside and smoked hookah and talked about stuff. Met this badass chick named Michelle and this one girl who was super drunk after a wedding. so funny. went back to my room and talked a while. Zach wanted to sleep on the futon, but i made wes take him out. Got a text from sean asking if i wanted to watch batman and get a pizza when he came home.
Sunday i don't remember a lot of... pretty much hung out in my room until sean came home that night around 8. I think i cleaned and stuff. went and smoked with him and wes and zach. Wes isn't as good at the assistance as sean is... came home and watched tropic thunder with Zach and Wes. Wes went to bed and sean went and took a shower then went to bed.
Monday, sean had work until 3:30. He came home around 4:30 cause he went shopping. I guess zachleft and wasn't returning sean's calls cause he's pissed at him. I called zach and he answered, but as soon as i mentioned sean, he hung up and stopped responding to me as well. Let's see. We hung out and talked for a while, sean made ramen and we drank some more... we talked about the weekend and music and stuff. Hung out with wes for a while and then we decided to go hang with this kid derrick. He's bad ass. so effing funny. we drove around and talked and shit. listened to his band. Then Sean and i went home and made cheese and bacon fries. I guess i talked about a lotof random stuff and rambled for a while, then ate literally one fry. We took a nap and cuddled and he was going to sleep in my room, but i passed out and he had to work in the morning anyway.he kissed me on the cheek and left. i got sill texts in the middle of the night. lol.
Tuesday he worked again, so i hung out and cleaned again. Wes and i hung out until sean came home. we hung out, then he and wes went to smoke ciggs and disappeared to play guitar for an hour. I took a nap and watched tv. Started packing. Sean came in an hour later and said he was going to take Derrick to a recording session and would be gone for a couple hours and asked if i was okay with that. I was like, yeah, i don't care. He left and i went to the mall to buy some last minute finishing gifts. Came back and watched the Crow and packed. I got a text at nine that he was on his way home and really sorry. He came home and we went and sat in his car and talked. He played the song iris by the goo goo dolls and said it reminds him of me. I cried, that song always makes me cry. then we smoked and went to Mickey D's and ordered a ton of food. Came home and ate and made more fries adn chicken. He asked what time my appointment was on Thursday, so i called my mom at 11:30 and asked. Good choice. He wanted me to stay until thursday. Talked some more, then he had to go to bed. i called ash at 2 am to talk. sorry bro.
Wednesday i finished packing and cleaned my room completely. Made a ton of cupcakes for sean. took out the trash and took my bottles out. Put half of my stuff in the car before getting too lazy. Sean came home at 3:30 and we hung out watching 3oh!3 videos and looking at lyrics online. He kept saying he didn't want me to leave and i didn't want to either. We needed to take the rest of my stuff out, and he asked if i wanted help then stopped and said to himself, fuck that, I'm gonna do it anyway. I was doing really well, then iris came on and we were sitting on the couch and he asked if i was excited to go see a movie with ash and i started crying. SO he held me and we talked about not feeling at home and how a home is the people, not the place. He doesn't have a home. The Buhl house will never be his home. Until he has his own wife and kids and house, he won't have one. So I told him he could come with me and this could be his home. He didn't want me to leave. I gave him all of my foodstuff and while we were taking them to his room he made a comment that he would take some cupcakes to his brother and say that this girl lauren made them and she's my "it's complicated". it made me really happy. i know that's lame but it means we're something, right? Plus it's huge that he's gonna tell his brother about me. So, wes came in as we were getting ready to take my stuff outside and insisted on helping, which sean really didn't seem too pleased about...so we took the stuff outside and they loaded my car and sean wanted to scrap the ice off. I told him he didn't have to but he gave me this look and was like, just give me the freaking brush and get your car warmed up. So i did. sean finished and we stood around quietly for a few minutes before he reminded me that i had to leave. So I hugged him for another five minutes and he kept telling me that he'd miss me and that he loves me and that if i get sad or stressed i can always call and i really wanted to cry. I hugged wes goodbye really quickly, and wished him luck at western. Then i got in viktor and turned my ipod on, backed out, waved goodbye as they lit up corncob pipes and started to bawl as i pulled out of the parking lot.
i miss him.